I Want To Dance

Have you ever attended a wedding, or a fun party where everyone gets up and dances? It takes a certain song...the one that gets you, and everone! just movin'...It's been awhile, but I miss dancing, like when everyone is out there having fun, movin' and groovin' to the music...and when everyone is out there, it doesn't matter HOW you dance, you just dance.
I'm not really a fan of Madonna, never have been really, but when I hear her song, "Express Yourself" ...in the emptiness of the aisle there...all I want to do is just dance to it, and I imagine myself out there just dancing with all my friends, everyone!
As the music goes, I imagine the dance moves of everyone...

And I wish we were all out there, dancing!....
God Dang I Wanna Dance Again!

Songwriters

Oh I admire songwriters so much, because they are truly poets...artists...their words are set to music of course, but it's the words themselves...words that can touch your soul, or at least wave hello to it.
I recently received a book of poetry, and, having read through some of it...there was something missing...oh, some were good, the words were very visual and striking...but there was something missing, ahhh! music? I don't mean that every poem must be a song lyric, but every song lyric is a poem...if that makes sense...
I admire songwriters...
Not only the ones who write the songs, but the ones who can write and perform their own songs as well.
But mostly, yes, there's the poetry of the lyrics, as they weave it into a melody, and hence, a gorgeous song...
You all know Bono, of the band U2 of course...I would say he's a good one. "The Joshua Tree" by U2 is one of the best records ever written, his real name is Paul Hewson, and, like a traditional Irishman, he's a wonderful writer.
Neil Peart, he's the drummer in the band Rush, one of the most insightful lyricists ever, in my humble opinion anyway, he has written 3 books, and is working on a fourth...
Dolly Parton, bless her heart...she said she will never need a shrink, because she can write songs, and everything goes into them...
Ohhh, there are a ton of others, very gifted songwriters...another, Julie Miller, though I'm not completely famliar with her music, but I know about her, and her passion for her music...and her words.
And others, Jimi Hendrix, known mostly as a guitar guy from the 60's...he wrote "Little Wing" and "The Wind Cries Mary" The words to those songs are beautiful. Like poems...
Oh how I wish I could pour a certain feeling or emotion into a few choice words that may touch others...how I wish I could do anything in that way.
But people who have the gift of words AND the gift of music...songwriters...they touch me.
And they are indeed...special.

George Bailey

Does the name George Bailey ring a bell to you? He was a man who received a great gift. He was visited by a Guardian Angel.
George was a good man, a good guy to know...but then trouble came upon him, and he had nowhere to turn...
"Dear Lord, if you're up there...look, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there, I need you to listen, please....I'm at the end of my rope. I'm not asking for nothin' except...show me the way...please....just show me the way."
That of course was the George Bailey character played by Jimmy Stewart in the movie "It's A Wonderful Life."
That one scene always gets the ball rolling for me emotionally, as do other scenes there...
well, especially lately...
I can relate to the George Bailey character in a unique way, in that I too have received a gift. Though mine came in a strange package, like a Trojan Horse. My gift was an insight I didn't even know existed, because I never paid attention. Or more precisely, I was never AWAKE to pay attention...
As I mentioned earlier, I stay up all night at work, usually by myself in a grocery aisle with a whirlwind of thoughts. My deepest concerns and insecurities have always come in the middle of the night, but I was always in bed, half asleep between dreams, and then they would pass and I'd fall asleep again.
But now, interestingly, those thoughts and concerns still come at the same time (you could set your watch to it!) but this time I'm wide awake, and they are much more vivid. Like a rushing river that can change at regular intervals, yeah..and its cool.. but sometimes they come in torrents, like boxes falling out of a truck...and I become worried and concerned and afraid and lonely there in the aisle....okay, well boo hoo.
I think the human brain is very much like a computer, though not totally, I'm just referring to the memory part....As a computer has files and folders that are long forgotten or unused, or even deleted...they're still in there, all it takes is a certain catalyst...and then bam!
My catalyst is those waking hours at night.

Sometimes I think I need a good psychiatrist...at least to assist me in navigating the torrents of thoughts, emotions, memories, and myriads of trivia that never ends...conversations that ocurred back in 1972 that mean absolutely nothing, episodes of old tv shows.....oh man, I could go on and on....

Well, now then, back to George Bailey...in the movie, he was despondent....and his gift was a Guardian Angel, 'Clarence' who showed George what his life would be like had he never lived (well, we all know the movie)...George was despondent because he felt his life no longer mattered, and no one would care...but that was never true...George had friends!
When I see that scene at the end, well....sorry, I still lose it...(Why can't I be like George!) I rage to no one but myself.
Well. here's where MY gift comes in...In my torrent of thoughts, think I can Chart them!...not navigate them, but chart them, much like a meteorologist can chart the weather. He can't predict it, he can't say where a certain drop of rain will fall during a hurricane, but he can chart the path....
And I can at least chart how I feel...
I can chart the basic emotions...
I can chart Anger...that's an emotion that everyone has, but I try to discard it, it's a very corrosive feeling, And...like like 'worry' it doesn't really change anything.
I can chart Fear...same thing...
oh...
But I CAN chart Grief...oh yeah I can chart that one,
You see...I grieve...I think I carry a certain sadness that I never recognize in daily life, but it carries on at night, and all those emotions and mental circumstances that come in the middle of the night. It often plagues me.
I miss my life...I miss my Dad (can you hear me up there?) And then I wonder, do we
all carry on in this way? do we carry a kind of grief that we wont acknowledge or admit?
Maybe we all do...
Whenever I see a blind person, or someone in a wheelchair....I feel foolish and selfish for even thinking of myself, and my own stupid problems.
George Bailey...
he had a great gift, he had a guardian angel to come down and show him things...
Me...I have guardian angels too....
and those would be my friends...and I love them.

Shipmates

A few days before Christmas, I was strolling through a department store when I caught a glimpse of someone I knew. It was Lincoln, a guy I used to work with. At first, my initial reaction was to hide...I don't know why, shyness? unease? But then a moment later I thought, "hey wait a minute, I KNOW this guy! we spent years together every day, like shipmates..."
So I waited until he walked past, "hey Lincoln!"
He was startled for a second, "oh my god! hey Dan! how ya doin'!" and we shook hands with genuine smiles and an instant feeling of camaraderie. As it should be...when you work with someone every day, for months or years, there's a certain bond...even if you weren't necessarily 'friends' there is still that bond of knowing someone every day. And you do come to know them....
We chatted for a bit, I asked him about his music, his son.... and whether he was still working as a computer artist. He said "nooo, I've tried and I've tried..."
I said "yeah, me too. I work at Safeway now...
"phhht yeahh, well hey, work is work!"
So we said bye, and as we went on our way, at the same moment we both looked back and we gave each other a little salute!...And it struck me, where did that come from? Maybe because we always worked on military type games, and were immersed in that?...or did ol' Lincold think the same thing I did...that we were once shipmates, on a good ship, and we both missed those times.

The Moth

When I got home earier today, I saw a small moth on the wet ground, his wings were wet, sort of pinned to the pavement..his legs were kicking, he just wanted to get up and fly again.
Now, in my experience I've killed a ton of bugs....but this time I could see that this guy was just trying to get back on his feet....he struggled and struggled...so I tried help him, I tried flicking him over to the dry side of the pavement...but he still struggled, his wings were still wet...I knew that if you try wipe a butterfy's wings, they'll never fly again...so much so with a moth. I found it odd that I was so riveted on this poor little thing. Perhaps I saw his struggle as a reflection of my own, as I struggle to 'fly' again.
"Come on...come on buddy! you can do it!" I tried propping him up but the poor thing's legs kicked for the last time, and he died....
The poor little moth...I felt sorry for it.
But me, I'm still flappin'.

Simon and Garfunkel

I have been listening to an old casette tape, "Simon and Garfunkel, Live in Central Park" and on man these are truly great songs!...."Homeward Bound", Mrs. Robinson", "America", "The Boxer", "Scarborough Fair"...
Fantastic and heartfelt songs...and all written by Paul Simon...
But on their latest tour Paul admitted why they don't sing or record or tour anymore...it just seems so stupid..."Art and I just don't get along! we just don't...It seems petty, but when we're doing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and Art's voice soars, and the audience soars, hey wait a minute....that's my song! Why are they cheering Art, when I wrote that?"
Well at least he admits it. But it all seems so incongruous and unnecessary.
I'm glad their songs have touched our lives. Paul Simon is an astonishing songwriter.
But please, does he and Art really need to be this petty now? They have a ton of money, their songs are immortal...it would be nice to see a little humility and just focus on the music, like in the beginning.

Graham Crackers and Milk

One of the best things in life for me is a glass of cold milk and some graham crackers...to dunk them in...and old tv shows or movies on a warm couch.
If I ever get to heaven, I hope those will be there.

The Reptiles

Have you ever noticed how the people you meet, the people you have known, and even more precisely, the people you love, family and friends....are they generally 'nice'? Do they have a side to them that can be described as 'not nice'?...That is, a behavior that can be described as Mean or Cruel?
I think that's in all of us, The Reptile....though in some, it's more on the surface. Behavior that disregards the feelings of others...on one end, inconsiderate...on the other, sociopathic....
I have always regarded every human I meet as a mammal, and that's what humans are, like puppies, kittens, and yes, even chimps in the wild...mammals, who care about their young, who show affection and loyalty and bonding...
But Reptiles...they're cold, they lay their eggs and move on, with no regard for what they leave behind, and yet they survive...
I think there is Mammal and Reptile in all of us...I think most of us care for our family and friends, as we should...
I have Always tried to be a Mammal, and I think I have, that's my nature I think.
But sometimes, and for some of us, there is a cold ruthlessness in there too...the Reptile,
I have known people who are just that...cold blooded, a hard scaled skin...zero remorse...
Maybe they're more in tuned to 'the bad part' of socialized behavior and just don't care...The part that comes out when you're angry, the part that comes out when you're despondent, the part that comes when you just want to lash out. Like an Alligator may swish its tail, but sometimes they're cool, he couldn't help being born a reptile.

"Ihe Borderlands"

We all have dreams when we sleep, most of them are forgettable, even when we wake up...but some are certainly not. I don't know where all dreams come from, most psychologists and dream analysts will say that every symbol in a dream represents a certain thing, that is, generally...how you 'felt' in the dream means how you feel in waking life.
Okay, fine....but I had that 'Borderline' dream....and I had it again!
In the first one, I dreamed that I was getting on a ride at Disneyland, called, The Borderlands.....in this ride, you could visit the past!
And on my ride, I landed on the front lawn of my grandparents, my mom's parents...back in the 1930's
There they were, my grandparents...they were, young, in their 30's, right out there in the front yard. Everything about their house was so vivid, like the old-fashioned narrow driveway with the cement wheelways and the grass center, a narrow driveway obviously designed for Model T Fords.
And there was a ton of other details around their yard, like the flourishing avocado tree that had been cut down before I was born.
"Hey Grandpa! Grandma! It's meee! Danny!"
I shouted and shouted!
My grandfather, young and strong and lean at the time, looked around like he had heard something. He turned to his wife as if to say, "did you hear something?" She shook her head no...
"Grandma! it's mee!"
He turned his head again, sure he heard something!
"OKAY, RIDE IS NOW OVER, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS AND FEET INSIDE THE CAR"
As I got out, I told the ride attendant of my experience...
"oh yeahh, we get alot of those same experiences...sometimes when you go back, they hear you...but to them, you're only like ghosts."
Whew!...that dream was sooo real...I still wonder, was it really them?