I'm just Tired

I'm just Tired....stay tuned...

I Believe in Father Christmas

When I was about 3 years old, I got a bright blue pedal car from Santa Claus! though I had spied my dad putting it together late one Christmas Eve, I had somewhat believed that there was a Santa Claus, even while my parents played along, I had wondered, even at that age...then when I showed my car off the next day, my cousin Joanne sneered, "there's no such thing as Santa Claus!"
"hmmmph! well..."
But I liked the idea of Santa, coming to visit all the boys and girls who had been good that year, and for years I always made sure to be Good, so that Santa would bring the presents I wanted.
Christmas has always been a wonderful and magical time for me...the smell of the Christmas Tree is what really sets me off these days....
I remember only one time sitting on Santa's lap at Macy's in San Jose when I was 5 or 6, though I knew that wasn't the Real Santa, but I was polite and deferrential enough, I asked for a microscope set.
"Ohhhhh a micrope set?? well, okay...but you have to be good!"
"oh yes!"
"and brush your teeth and pick up your toys?"
"yes!"
"and mind your mommy and daddy?"
"yes!"
"okay then, if you do all these things, then YES! Santa will bring you a microscope set...Ho Ho Ho!"
He was a kind Santa, then he lifted me off his knee, "okay, who's next?"
Even if I was cynical at that age about the existence of a real Santa, I was okay...I liked the concept of Santa Claus...I loved the Spirit of the Idea...
Me and my mom would always go to church when I was little, and the spirit of the Nativity was always paramount during Christmas time, after all, this is the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
The Spirit of Christmas is very all-inclusive for me...
In Britain, traditionally there was Father Christmas...Saint Nicholas....Saint Nick!...who gave gifts and toys a long time ago....
I believe in Him...and I believe in His incarnations.
It is in this Spirit, that the giving of gifts with no expectation of something in return, not just at Christmas, but any time...
The very nature of what is Good in all of us comes through...It all comes together at Christmas, and one of these incarnations is Santa Claus...
and I Believe in Father Christmas.

Daniel

Remember the old Elton John song called 'Daniel'...well I heard this a few days ago...though Daniel is my own name, it's also the name of my dad, who 'officially' died five years ago today. He had a massive heart attack on the 10th of December, 2001 and was only being kept alive by breathing machines. But on the 18th he was unplugged, and he died within minutes.
I had already considered him 'gone' days before then, but neverless I kissed him on his forehead, and thanked him for being a good father. And he was.
If there was one word to describe my dad, that would be DRIVEN...he had a hard time when his parents died when he was only 23, just out of the navy... he had to virtually raise his younger siblings, some of whom he had a falling out with later on.
He had only one kid...me...
He loved music, and he loved to sing. One of my eariest memories is him singing "I Wanna Be Around" by Tony Bennett while we would drive around, and he would try to get me to sing along.
After getting a good job at IBM, he moved me and my mom to a nice house in San Jose. This is where I grew up.
He was driven...He immedialtely embarked on household projects like laying brick, replacing some of the plumbing, pulling down trees, installing new appliances...he did it all himself, with no help from others, except sometimes from Uncle Joe and Uncle Bob, who were equally doing similar projects in their homes, and they enjoyed drinking beers in the process. And of course, he always had me, to hand him the right tools and such.
Dan was also a strict parent. I think it carries over from his own father, Louis Guerra...
He was a hitter...if I did something wrong, or said someting wrong....SMACK! "You do what I say! you hear??"
I recoiled, maybe even distanted myself emotionally from him, or from what he represented: Only admonishment, all the time...
I resented my dad for a long time when I was a teen...I considered him a bully and a tyrant.
And then...I left home for college, and, after having experienced another ultimatum, I did a few rebel things on my own.
Later I knew...and realized that my dad was only trying to raise me in the only way HE knew...the way he was brought up.
And that is, that you Love...in whatever uncertain or dysfunctional way, you only do these things.
As we got older, me and my dad became best friends...buddies! We would go fishing, go to ballgames...and my mom too, bless her heart...
I think that it's best when you can eventually become friends...buddies...with your parents, and I became buddies with mine...
But I miss my buddy Daniel...oh I miss him so much.

Playing more records

I had missed playing my records, you know, the old vinyl kind... where you have to pick it up by the edges, dust it off, and make sure the needle hits the song just right....on the smoothe part between songs...and then you lift off the needle and try not to scratch the record too much and then let the needle down upon the song you want to hear...I used to listen to a lot of rock records and prog rock like Yes, Genesis, etc...
Tonight I have listed to a ton of songs that are Gold...I played old Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. records....a tune by The Monkees, called "Look Out Here Comes Tomorrow" written by Neil Diamond, you can just tell that's his tune...
I played "Wichita Lineman" by Glen Campbell, the melody of that song is just killer! oh my gawwd...I even have records that my aunt gave me that I wouldn't usually listen to, but now seem golden...Charlie Pride, Johnny Cash, Olivia Newton-John, Roger Miller...
It makes me wonder, all kinds of music have I missed!...or just hadn't gotten around to..
I think that I have appreciated a ton of music through the the years...but there is still more...a ton of notes...or songs that I haven't heard, but were always there.
And there will always be new songs to be heard....

The Girl Who Couldn't Read

Today when I was at the checkout counter, I noticed a table set up by the front. It was a "Gingerbread House Workshop" that the store will have every Saturday in December, where kids can put together their own gingerbread houses with the aid of store workers, to show them how. I recognized one of the helpers there, it was a girl who was hired around the same time I was. We were at the same Safety Orientation, in which new-hires are required to attend a meeting to go over all the safety rules. At that orientation, there were about 25 people seated around a table. We were all handed a booklet, and the woman who ran the thing had us all read a safety rule out loud, then the next person, and so on...
Naturally, instead of listening to what was being read, I counted the people along the table and counted the numbered paragraphs, to match the one I would have to read, and silently 'rehearsed'....
When it was my turn, I was actually disappointed that my bit was short, "Never place your hands on a hot surface."
Then it was this girl's turn...it was quite obvious, though being a high school graduate, she basically could not read.
"uhh..all..all ways..use...caw...cahh...catch....ummm...sorry...caww...uhh...when...de..dil..."
The poor thing, her face was turning red, and I think everyone in the room was embarrassed for her. Fortunately the presenter took over reading it for her.
Maybe she was just nervous, but as I watched, she seemed like she just didn't know the words, she couldn't read.
So today, there she was...from the bakery department helping the kids build their gingerbread houses.
And she was beaming, clearly in her element with the kids. And the kids loved her! she was doing a great job showing them how to build those houses...
As I watched, I thought of that safety meeting and how she must have felt so embarrassed.
It made me think of all the times when we all feel like we've been so far down...small...
but all it takes is a certain day or a certain place, even if it's just an afternoon, when you feel whole and alive again.
Seeing her today made me feel this way.