The Bravery of Being Out of Range

There are two kinds of 'Bravery Being Out of Range' (thanks Roger Waters for the title).....There's the false bravery of Knowing you're out of range, in any situation...and then there's the situations where you're in the middle of everything, but still have the capability to stay out of range, if that makes any sense....
All my life I have had this capability of being out of range...out of range of emotion, out of range of friends getting too close, out of range of family...it is a lonely place, but not too lonely, because I do have a handfull of truly good friends and family who I love dearly, and that is real....but they will never know about my 'sleeping inside the dishwasher' thing, (as from a previous blog)...
I am out of range...I don't know how to precisely describe it....it's like being in a room full of people, and you meet and greet everyone with a definite charm and friendliness, but you're not quite all there....they will never know 'me' deep down, nor would I expect them to, probably because I don't know how to let them go there.
'Bravery?' well maybe not, but I wouldn't want this on anyone....
Ohhh, it's not quite as bad as it all sounds, I'm just noticing this in myself lately, especially in the past few years, where I have been stripped down, and must realize these things about myself....others might too, under similar circumstances.....It takes a certain bravery to be out of range, and in this, I do take a certain pride....
Many people are out of range....and many don't even know it...and end up as sociopaths and nutcases....
But I can assure you I'm still as sane anyone else! I think!

The Time Tunnel

Back in the 60's there was a TV show called The Time Tunnel....Two American scientists who traveled though time...in an amazing and well-budgeted television show.
The main characters were Tony and Doug...they would float thru a corridor of time, and then tumble onto the ground in whatever period of history...be it, the Titanic sinking, Abraham Lincoln getting shot, the Alamo, the Walls of Jericho, whatever.....Tony and Doug were there....
When I was 8...me and my buddy, the Other Danny... always played 'Time Tunnel', I had a green turtle neck, and Danny had a gray sweater on when we played, just like Tony and Doug...the funnest part was pretending to tumble, slow-motion like, onto the ground and we would get up and say, "Where are we?"
"I don't know"....That's what Tony and Doug always said....
We didn't know what time we were in, or what age, we made it up as we went along.
I wish that life could be that way....I wish I had access to a Time Tunnel.
I think many of us do...if we could just dial in a time at a certain point in our lives and just make a little change here or there...if only....if only....
I can think of numerous times where I wish I could use a Time Tunnel....
But we can't do that....there is no Time Tunnel...we live as human beings in a timeline that is in own choosing....and I'm fine with that....but still, I wish there was a Time Tunnel....

Last Year Called, He Wants His Raft Back

Almost exactly a year ago, I started this blog when I was selling my house, wondering where I would end up...well I did end up at a great place, a fine old house in an old neighborhood in Santa Rosa...as in an earlieir post, this was my new 'Life Raft' ...a sanctuary, a place to hang your head and sleep, a place to sit on the couch and watch your favorite television shows....
Maybe I should have entitled this, "Five Years Ago Called, He Wants His Life Back"....because I miss that life...
The owner of this house wants to sell it, which means I may have to move again...hopefully not...but still, it's back to being at the whims of others...
I know, for five years I could have done so much, for five years I could have started my own business, gotten another job in my industry, though that's been tough, I HAVE tried, and I have gotten a few gigs....but....nothing like it was in the 90's...
I feel like a pariah, an outsider...so much so, that it takes some effort sometimes to say, 'don't worry, it'll be okay'...and as it always has been okay, but I know that I haven't done enough...sorry for this sort of 'confessional'....
Sometimes it's hard to do just about anything, not that I FEEL depressed or upset, but more like an emotional numbness...in 2001 a few unfortunate things happened, and I might say I had some good coping skills then...but when some good things happened later on, like getting a job at Fluent, I felt no sense of joy either....like my emotions have been flattened...
These past five years have been in a cloud like that... until today when I realized I may have to move again...I certainly don't want to...but the prospect of it has somehow sparked an 'alive again' instinct...a survival instinct perhaps, and perhaps a way out of this funk.....all I have to do is think of my friend Wes and what he's going through, then all of these foolish problems seem minimal...

I'm In With the 'In Crowd'

Remember the "In Crowds" in high school? Everyone knows what that is...the popular kids, the kids who sat at the "cool" table at lunch, the jocks, the cheerleaders, the outgoing kids who ran for every student election, joined every club...the kids who were in 'cliques'....
I was not one of those kids in the 70's... and I was certainly not on the polar opposite side, the 'nerds' or the 'heads' who only earned disdain...No, I was a "nobody" the first three years of high school...those kids you see in the hall and in class, who just past by like automatons, faceless, nameless, who never spoke up in class, never joined clubs...though I did play some sports, I was never in the "In Crowd."
There were many like me...it's not that I was totally friendless or anything, in fact I had a lot of good buddies in the same position, we would gather at lunch in the periphery. Some of us used to observe the whole social phenomenon...Joe Geminetti, he was one guy who was a huge A's fan and had a certain intelligence and insight that I appreciated, but he was also a bit dysfunctional.
And Tom Walker, we were schoolmates since Kindergarten, and we made home movies with his 8mm camera...Tom was smart...he had the whole "In Crowd" thing down back then...."Oh F*ck them! you mean I'm supposed to do or say this or that, just so I can be labeled "cool" ? Or like if I hang out with so-and-so, Jones is gonna say, "you're not cool, you're not one of us'....f*ck them!"
So that was a very good insight by Tom, even back then, good for him.
Even still, I had always looked at the In Crowd with a certain envy...In spite of my painful shyness.
Then things changed in my Senior year, I had a car! a 1972 Ford Pinto...One guy, Dan Matson who was a jock and in with the "In Crowd" was a hockey fan, and so was I, the California Seals, an NHL team in the 70's....So me, Dan, Scott Hall, and Bobby Novak went to the Seals game, and I drove...
After that I had an 'In' to the "In Crowd"!!....but it was too late, we were all graduating soon....
In later years, after working at different places, I have observed that work places are often like high school....depending on the size, sometimes very much so...the Cliques, the 'In Crowds', the jocks, the nerds, the heads, the rah-rah's, and yes the nobodys....and sometimes, yes I was In With the 'In Crowd!
Well the whole point about beloging to any kind of In Crowd is a natural thing, that... I believe it is hard-wired in all of us humans for 50 thousand years ..we want to belong, we want to be accepted in a group, we want to have something that we can contribute to the tribe...and it's good to have friends and family (obviously)...we just want to belong....

My pal Wes

In everone's life, there are certain individuals that you encounter as you go about your life, that for some chance you find them only though life experience....and when you meet them, you know that they will be in your for life forever, you just know....
I remember meeting such a guy...
A long time ago, I worked for a game company and they were bringing in artists from near and far...in came an old hippie looking guy and I instantly liked his demeanor... humorous and self-effacing, but most of all he was a fantastic artist...not only that, he had other talents too.....
I think that I related to his sense of vulnerability, I liked his sense of humor that just comes naturally....the spontanious kind, a natural WIT... I am very...VERY drawn to people like Wes, because I think they draw the best out of ME....back then, whenever I was around Wes, it was joke time. Time to crack jokes, do silly impressions...
He produced a radio show, and invited me along to participate, because he recognized in me, that same sort of fun and irreverence...
Wes is sick again....he had congestive heart failure problems about five years ago. I went to see him in Seattle and we went to the Mariners ballgame, he walked with a cane with a fragility of a very old man, but he still had his wit...he still cracked jokes, I think he enjoyed just getting out to the game....but he's sick again...
I know what it's like when grandparents, old relatives, and even parents die, it's the cycle of life....but when friends die, that's a new one....and Wes isn't gone yet, not by any means....but he emailed me today and he seems afraid.
I tried to tell him that he musn't be afraid...that there are no atheists in foxholes, that everyone you're life touches does change...usually for the better...I don't know if that was very helpful, but I know this....
whenever I feel sorry for myself, I need only think my pal Wes...I'm praying for him.

Illustration Friday: Jungle2

JUNGLE2
Originally uploaded by Olias444.

Hmmm, that first one wouldn't fit on I.F....
Let's try this one...

Illustration Friday: Jungle

JUNGLE1
Originally uploaded by Olias444.

Somewhere in the Central American jungle, there are probably Mayan ruins still to be discovered.

"On the Double!!"

I never served in the military, and I have the utmost respect for those who have. My last name is Guerra, which in Spanish and also Italian, translated means 'War'.....it's a fairly common name actually, probably derived from when people took their names based on what they did, such as 'Baker', 'Miller', etc....
Though I consider myself a very laid back and peaceful person, I have always been fascinated by war history, tactics, and weaponry...my favorite movies are war movies, mostly World War 2.
If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I suspect that I may have been a German soldier during WW2, I've had numerous dreams over the years, very vivid, I'm in the Wermacht and there's an air raid...the sights, the sounds, and most importantly, the fear...it's all there...
Anyway, my dad and my uncle Joe served in the Navy, during the Korean War. I think their experiences then, as young men, made a life-long impression on them. Whenever we went to Disneyland, or to an A's game, or 4th of July, whenever there were fireworks, without fail my dad would say "That booming sound reminds me of being aboard ship..."
My Uncle Joe was very fond of the phrase "On the double!!" to us kids...looking back, I can see that his experience in the Navy made a lasting impression on bossing us kids around, my dad did it too. "I want this room CLEAN, Mister!" or, "Let's GO, on the double! go! go!"
Those were the orders they barked at us...as they were barked at them...not that it's a bad thing, on the contrary, it was a good thing...it meant order and discipline and character, which I respect....and still strive for...

Illustration Friday: Portrait

Afgan
Originally uploaded by Olias444.

You may recognize this portrait of an Afghan girl which appeared on the cover of National Geographic. It was so stunningly haunting that I had to draw it. As you can see, I never finished...

Blades of Grass

MARCEL
Originally uploaded by Olias444.

Last night I was working on some pencil drawings, and I realized that this is how it all started, how I became an artist...with a simple pencil and paper. I had always liked to draw when I was a kid, mostly cars. But I never took it very seriously. Then when I was in college, I took a class, Drawing 101, that's when everything changed.
I had no idea what I wanted to be when I was growing up. My parents insisted that I be a lawyer, or a dentist. I had no real desire of becoming either one, but since I didn't know what I wanted to do, I just went along with it. Soon, it became apparent that they EXPECTED me to become a laywer. (me, a lawyer? ha!)
So when I took that class, it was like a personal revelation. I had a great teacher, he would take personal time with each student. The most important thing I learned was simply to 'draw what you see'. So I took that very literally and drew as close to real as I could. The assignments were pretty straightforward, the teacher would assign a topic for the week, then we would draw something, then on Friday everyone put their drawings on the wall and the class would critique them. This drawing was the first one I did. I was astonished at the positive feedback I got, this was the first thing I was ever 'good at'...and more importantly, I loved doing it. From then on, I drew all the time, dozens and dozens of drawings. It was like a blade of grass had sprouted in my soul and was now flourishing into a lush garden. Friends and family were very impressed, and I would draw things for them, portraits, their houses, things like that. My parents were very proud, but they only saw it as a pleasant diversion, like a hobby. they had no idea that I had discovered what I wanted to do...what I wanted to BE. They were still dead-set on the lawyer thing. So when I told them that this is what I wanted to do for a living, they hit the roof. They felt angry and betrayed, and would never cease to discourage me from taking that path. But I resisted, and I did compromise by completing my business degree 'just in case'....
So as I entered the Real World, I landed a job at a computer company, drawing technical illustrations for user manuals. It didn't pay a whole lot, but I was making my way in the world, doing what I loved...drawing.
I got laid off, and it was a struggle in the 80's, doing temp jobs here and there. Then in 1988, a new medium was emerging, computer graphics. And I was lucky, I got a job at a game company and things just took off from there. Somewhere along the way, I stopped drawing, but I did take up painting, and did that as a hobby.
In 2001, I got laid off again...and again it's been a struggle, as I take on gigs here and there. Sometimes I think, well, maybe my parents were right after all....but lately I've been drawing with pencils again, and I realize I've come full circle. It feels good to draw...like a blade of grass coming up through a crack in the sidewalk.