Last Year Called, He Wants His Raft Back
Almost exactly a year ago, I started this blog when I was selling my house, wondering where I would end up...well I did end up at a great place, a fine old house in an old neighborhood in Santa Rosa...as in an earlieir post, this was my new 'Life Raft' ...a sanctuary, a place to hang your head and sleep, a place to sit on the couch and watch your favorite television shows....
Maybe I should have entitled this, "Five Years Ago Called, He Wants His Life Back"....because I miss that life...
The owner of this house wants to sell it, which means I may have to move again...hopefully not...but still, it's back to being at the whims of others...
I know, for five years I could have done so much, for five years I could have started my own business, gotten another job in my industry, though that's been tough, I HAVE tried, and I have gotten a few gigs....but....nothing like it was in the 90's...
I feel like a pariah, an outsider...so much so, that it takes some effort sometimes to say, 'don't worry, it'll be okay'...and as it always has been okay, but I know that I haven't done enough...sorry for this sort of 'confessional'....
Sometimes it's hard to do just about anything, not that I FEEL depressed or upset, but more like an emotional numbness...in 2001 a few unfortunate things happened, and I might say I had some good coping skills then...but when some good things happened later on, like getting a job at Fluent, I felt no sense of joy either....like my emotions have been flattened...
These past five years have been in a cloud like that... until today when I realized I may have to move again...I certainly don't want to...but the prospect of it has somehow sparked an 'alive again' instinct...a survival instinct perhaps, and perhaps a way out of this funk.....all I have to do is think of my friend Wes and what he's going through, then all of these foolish problems seem minimal...
Maybe I should have entitled this, "Five Years Ago Called, He Wants His Life Back"....because I miss that life...
The owner of this house wants to sell it, which means I may have to move again...hopefully not...but still, it's back to being at the whims of others...
I know, for five years I could have done so much, for five years I could have started my own business, gotten another job in my industry, though that's been tough, I HAVE tried, and I have gotten a few gigs....but....nothing like it was in the 90's...
I feel like a pariah, an outsider...so much so, that it takes some effort sometimes to say, 'don't worry, it'll be okay'...and as it always has been okay, but I know that I haven't done enough...sorry for this sort of 'confessional'....
Sometimes it's hard to do just about anything, not that I FEEL depressed or upset, but more like an emotional numbness...in 2001 a few unfortunate things happened, and I might say I had some good coping skills then...but when some good things happened later on, like getting a job at Fluent, I felt no sense of joy either....like my emotions have been flattened...
These past five years have been in a cloud like that... until today when I realized I may have to move again...I certainly don't want to...but the prospect of it has somehow sparked an 'alive again' instinct...a survival instinct perhaps, and perhaps a way out of this funk.....all I have to do is think of my friend Wes and what he's going through, then all of these foolish problems seem minimal...
posted by Olias at 12:00 AM
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